Want to write a huge, thick self-help book and make lakhs of rupees? Look no further, as our self-help book expert Dr. Vahiyat Chaaptergiri who has come out with bestsellers such as '27 habits of highly effective self-help book readers', 'Self-help soup for the chicken' and 'Who moved my self-help book?' has given us a few guidelines.
When I was studying back at IPPM, a hugely idolized our dean as he continuously doled out bullshit and that too extempore. I soon realized that even I have that quality and it needed to be honed somewhat. I therefore read every self-help book that I could get my hands on even though it was a slightly brain damaging experience, I learnt a lot and self-taught myself to write even better bullshit.
Here are a few pointers:
1. Always write your text in points form:
a. Use sub-points if necessary
i. Use as many sub-points as you feel as it will make you appear very systematic.
- Overdo it if necessary.
2. Keep repeating your points over and over again to add to the thickness of the book. Since your book needs to be really thick for it to be taken seriously, keep repeating your points. If you keep repeating your points, losers who read your book will think you have a lot of knowledge to share. Therefore, I suggest that repeat the same point over and over again in different ways as it will make your book handsomely thick. Thickness of the book is necessary so if you run out of what to write, repeat the same point over and over and over again in different ways.
3. Quote random people from random universities to back up what you are trying to say. Professor Nikammesh Mandbuddhi from Chhattisgarh university says, "Even though a totally unknown person has a point of view similar to yours, quote him/her, who's going to check anyway?". Professor Vyarthili Bakbak from Tripura woman's university concurs and adds further, "Quoting people from both genders helps as your readers can also belong to different sexes."
4. Do a lot of self-aggrandizing and keep enumerating your achievements. When I was invited as a guest lecturer in Alibaug University, I made the same point and was awarded an honourary Ph.D by them.
5. Keep the tone of your writing very commanding. YOU have to engage your readers and make YOUR book a page turner and YOU have to make sure YOUR language sound like THE GOSPEL TRUTH.
6. Finally, if your run out of things to say, keep repeating what you have said in the earlier chapters over and over and over and over and over again.
- Dr. Vahiyat ChaapterGiri.
(The above nonsense is the writer's personal bullshit and Khetu Times is not responsible for the brain damage it may inflict.)
