Haryanvi syllabus to change

In an effort to inculcate deep-rooted values and traditions into the minds of the young, the Haryana government is going to make some changes in the syllabus from the next academic year. They had been mulling over this decision for quite a few years now but since they have got the go ahead from the ruling Congress and INLD MLAs and no opposition from the BJP, the chief minister has announced the change in syllabus and expressed joy as kids will now be brainwashed from an early age itself!

Here are a few examples of how different subjects will deal with customs that glorify honour above everything else:

Civics: An entire subject devoted to the functioning of Khap Panchayats and how they are empowered to kill anyone they wish. A separate section on opposers of khap panchayats described as intellectually arrogant infidels who hurt Haryanvi sentiments and pride.

History: The heroic tales of khap Panchayats tracking down elopers and bludgeoning them with all the prejudice they could muster.

Ethics and Value education: 5 news chapters have been added on how to mistreat women, enslave them, beat them up, sexually assault them and finally, how to kill them if they do not comply.

Mathematics: Venn diagrams have been used to explain students which marriage unions are allowed and which are disallowed. The blue dot denotes the groom and the pink dot denotes the bride.


The honourable teachers hope that the above Venn Diagram will stop students from eloping towards their death.

Biology: The ill effects of marrying someone within your gotra in case you escape alive are added in the biology textbook.

Parents of students have expressed joy over the much-awaited syllabus changes. Mr. Gagandeep Singh expressed elation over the fact that the school has shared responsibility turn his boy into a pig-headed bigot. Another parent, Udham Singh always had reservations about his kid as he was very nice to his sisters and girls overall. Now he believes that the new curriculum will get his son closer to becoming a wife-beating moron in the future.

All in all, at a time when there was danger of Haryanvi boys turning into mature adults, such changes in syllabus have come as a boon to preserve the glorious narrow-minded customs of Haryana.

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire or fiction, no truth involved here.

More sleaze in IPL4

After the scandalous IPL 3, where a lot of skeletons tumbled out of the closet resulting into thorough enquiries and the suspension of Lalit Modi, stay tuned for IPL4 whose commercial crassness is slated to increase even more.

Chirayu Amin - The newly appointed head of IPL has guaranteed more sleaze in the next edition. Speaking exclusively to Khetu Times, he started off with a couple of cliches about how cricket is a religion in India, but later he candidly admitted, "In the end, our IPL team are all a shallow bunch of people. We cannot digest our food until a we do a couple of shady deals and add nauseatingly high amounts of unnecessary glamour in the game".

Sources tell us that the amount of advertisements too will increase in IPL4. The current edition had introduced advertisements within an over between deliveries and two compulsory 'strategic timeouts' during play so that more commercials could be crammed in. Next year, there will be commercial breaks during a delivery - between the time the ball is released by the bowler till it reaches the batsman, a commercial will be slipped in.

There is speculation that more slower bowlers were used in IPL3 in preparation for what is to come in IPL4. The slower the pace of the delivery, the more time is available for advertisements. Even express fast bowlers practiced by using a lot of slower deliveries this time around.

A large number of companies have lined up to sponsor dot balls, run outs, player injuries and on-field confrontations between players. In addition, penalising captains for slow over-rates will be scrapped in the next edition. There is rife speculation that captains will be paid Rs. 1,00,000 for every extra minute they take in making field placements. The money made through commercials that will be crammed in during those extra minutes will more than compensate for the money lost per minute on the 'indecisive' captain.

Also, the fees for post match IPL parties have increased from Rs. 40,000 to Rs. 80,000. A BCCI spokesperson refusing to be named said "Loser-type people who will pay 40,000 bucks to get a few minutes of time to spend with tired players who are not even in the mood will definitely pay Rs. 80,000. Heck, these self-loathing morons will give half their lives to party with the celebrities."

In short, IPL4 promises to be rivettingly sleazy. Expect more crassness and more skeletons tumbling out of people's closets next year.